sometimes someone

When this unwanted time comes, the emptiness will be realized. It's like I'm smiling on the outside but crying on the inside. Feel like wanna run into my cave and hide inside and sit there alone, then thinking of what's happening in present and past. moreover in future. When I feel bored, I need to talk, with no one to listen because no one I can be with at the moment. Feel like no one cares when I need...shoulder to cry on... In everything, I always try my best, for the one I love, for people I care...but, still feel like no one cares about me! No one to talk to. No one can listen to what my heart wanna say and my mind is thinking...sad...at the end, everything from me, just can be explained and released to my own self!

I talk to myself. I write it all down somewhere in my laptop, and sometimes, half of it in to my blogs. Most of the time I'll feel better after that, but when I think it back why can't I share it with the one I love...it'll be...not the time yet, or, I don't have to do that...and this way at the end, I'm alone as the result. Yaaa..everybody has their own problems but I do think it'll be much more better if I have someone to share all these with...especially if the one who I can share with is someone I love, and more better if that one love me too. oh!! I need to cheer up my self! have to! or I'll be more sad and my heart will be sick! that's gonna be worst if I keep on talking with feelings, alone to myself! uurrgghhh! I can't clamp myself with all these feelings of sadness and emptiness! but sometimes, I did, and it made me lost within myself...blank! I don't know what to do and or I can't do what I want to do...everything messed up!

So, who can help me sort out all these untidy thingy? How I can solve all the difficulties in my mind? what can I do to reorganize all these rolling piece-and-parcel? I do need someone to advice me, and help me, who always be with me, supporting me...and love me, nonetheless cares about me...still at the end, the perfect answer is only one...God, who always listening and knowing all the things about everything! God, please show me the ways which you blessed, please give me strength and power for me to go through all these everything which has saddened me...God, I know you are always with me and know everything although I didn't tell you anything...my wishes and hopes, my loves and cares, my feelings, everything...I'm a small normal human although sometimes some people look at me as big and strong, but sometimes I can't stand alone, sometimes I'll be tired, sometimes I'll be bored, and at that time I need someone...to pamper myself...

By the way, hiding stress behind smiles have its own limit! and when it's up to it, without anyone cares what's happening inside of me, the only way to release it all is through tears ~_~ tears that calm me down. When you keeping most of the things by yourself, without sharing, it'll kill you...silently..and I admit, all what I feel, it's killing me! slowly.